I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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