I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
