Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
