I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
