he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize