I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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