There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
