this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
