Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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