Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
