if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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