So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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