OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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