she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
