I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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