did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
