Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
