I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
