if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
