I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize