he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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