Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize