if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
