when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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