I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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