If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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