Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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