Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
