I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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