I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
