My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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