I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
