my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
