i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
