She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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