you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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