so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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