do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
