my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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