They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
