I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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