hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
