Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
