i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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