Those balls look pretty dangerous.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
