mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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