I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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