Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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