What a fucking waste of an outfit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
