she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize