So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My ATM looks so different sober.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize