You're my little dorito
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
