My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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