Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
