Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
