dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize