You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
