i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
