So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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