I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize