I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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