Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Can I color on your dick again?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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