what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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