her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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