i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
